You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
