Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
