how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
