Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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