just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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