The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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