chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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