rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
