i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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