Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
