A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We're too hungover to prance.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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