my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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