Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
