I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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