If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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