you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
