Say something about gay babies.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
