your parents love me but you hate me
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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