I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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