U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
