The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
