Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Someone signed my nipple.
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