So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
