I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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