you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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