apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
