Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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