My sheets look like a crime scene.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
