Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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