haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
