you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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