hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
