Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
