Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
