Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
