Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
