I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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