if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
