i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
