Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
