Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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