He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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