Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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