i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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