Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
