Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Text me some of your sweat
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
