Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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