Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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