You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
