So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I believe in your delicious
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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