no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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