Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
