he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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