I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
