I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
