connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
