I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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