Cold hands, warm shart.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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