Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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