I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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