My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
