we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
